Staying Together After an Affair

An affair is not an automatic death sentence for a relationship. While some couples do choose to separate as a result of an affair, many go on to have long, productive and happy relationship. How can you work through the trauma of an affair and still be successful in your relationship?

Spend some time alone after the affair has been discovered, and the shock has worn off. Getting alone with your thoughts will give you time to analyze your relationship and decide if what you have is worth fighting for. Make no mistake – it will be a fight – and it will be difficult. But it is possible to recover after an affair and come out stronger in the end. 

Some guidelines to help establish a “new reality” for your relationship will help you both feel comfortable with the changes that will be necessary. 

Sit down together and discuss your feelings – don’t try to hide them or act as though you are ok with everything – be honest with your spouse. 

Accountability is a key to rebuilding trust after an affair. Establishing new routines, providing access to phones, email, etc is a way to provide transparency in a relationship that wants to be restored. 

If you are the injured party, establish what would make you feel more comfortable in the situations where the affair was. If it was with a co-worker, how can you feel comfortable with your partner going to work? Discuss the ways that accountability will help you mend trust.

Staying Together After an Affair

Forgiveness: easy to say, hard to offer. Forgiveness does not excuse the pain of the affair, nor does it say that everything is ok. It is about making a conscious decision to forgive your partner for their actions and move past the incident. 

It will take time, and sometimes forgiveness needs to be offered daily as reminders of the affair crop up, but forgiveness isn’t for the sake of the guilty. You need to let go of the anger so that you can truly move beyond it. 

Create new, shared goals. Begin to build a new relationship together. Find new things that you can do as a couple to strengthen your bond and re-establish your united life. 

Commit to the recovery of the relationship – no matter how tough it gets. Remind yourself that what you are working towards is a loving marriage relationship. 

Marriage counselling is a wonderful way to get an outsider’s perspective on the problems that may have contributed to the affair, and to get some strategies that will help you move past the betrayal. 

Find a counsellor through your workplace’s healthcare provider, through your religious organization or mental health department of your city. Attend sessions together and work on the skills they suggest. 

Not every marriage can or should be saved. If, however, you want to work on your marriage it will take both parties to commit to making it work. With both members doing their part to rekindle the spark that brought you together in the first place, you can have a loving and healthy relationship again. 

NEW! Now You Can Stop Your Separation, Divorce or Lovers Rejection…Even If Your Relation Seems Hopeless!

If you Want Him Back, I’ll show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your lover back in your arms – Especially if you are the only one trying…

The Secret you need to know to reverse your separation! From the man that has helped over 50 000 people in 77 countries to get back together again!

Will Valentine’s Day Ruin Your Marriage?

I want to wish you a happy and loving Valentines Day with todays article. Make this day a day to remember for yourself and your loved ones. A day to honour the love inside us by showing eachother how much we care.

With Love

Ah, February! Our minds start turning to thoughts of Valentine’s Day.In the middle of winter, romance is suddenly in vogue. The stores are filled with cards, candy, jewelry, and any number of other products touting the opportunity to show your love how you feel.

Are we being set up? Have we bought into the idea of romance so much that we are literally destroying our relationships with expectations? I think we are. In fact, I think we have made a false idol of romance at the expense of true love. We have confused infatuation and erotic love with deep, abiding love that leads to successful marriages.

Let me be clear. I have nothing against romance and romantic gestures. But we have made this the lead, not the result of love. We want to be awash in loving feelings and attraction for our partner. Then we expect those feelings to be the cement, the glue that keeps us together. Hogwash!

I just checked my email. In the last month, I have received 104 pleas for help from people hearing this statement from their spouse, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” The translation is this: “I have a feeling of care for you, but I don’t feel erotic emotions toward you.” The problem is that this statement is a lie on the front end (“I love you”) and a misunderstanding on the back end (“but I’m not in love with you”).

The lie, I’ll get to in a moment. The misunderstanding is this: being “in love” with someone is based on the nurturing of a relationship. It is not some emotion that is at the whims of Cupid shooting an arrow. Too often I hear, “I can’t help how I feel.” True, but people can choose how they act. And that is really the crux of the matter.

Love has been confused in our culture. The ancient Greeks were much more clear. They used three words to talk about love: Eros, Phileo, and Agape. Eros was about attraction (erotic love). Phileo was about friendship. And Agape was about commitment. Our society has segregated these three areas. Interestingly, we all want commitment and acceptance from our lover/spouse (Agape love), but too often want to feel attraction (Eros love) toward our spouse.

In other words, we want that attractive, successful, romantic, loving person to accept us, mistakes, shortcomings, failures, and all. We want what we have a hard time offering.

So what is the lie? Love is a commitment. It is an action verb, based on being loving and doing loving actions toward the other person. It is based on making a choice to love the other. Not for a moment, but for a lifetime.

Brain scans show that people who are “in love” (caught up in the infatuation) have very similar patterns to those who are mentally ill. So being “madly in love” is not just a figure of speech. It is a physical reality.

The problem is that this is unsustainable. The love of infatuation has to temper into a choice to being loving toward another person. I love someone because I choose to act lovingly, not because of the constance of a feeling. That moves the whole possibility from being at the whims of Cupid to having a conscious choice over how I participate in a relationship.

Let me be clear here: I am not opposed to visits of Eros. In fact, I think this is a feeling that is important and necessary in a long-term marriage. But I believe the emotion emerges from acting in loving ways. In other words, when I make romance primary, I am lost when it is gone. When I make love a verb, and action I can choose, the romantic feelings will naturally emerge.

Valentine’s Day is a threat to your relationship when you make the romantic feelings the goal. To paraphrase a commercial: card, $3.50; candy, $20.00; flowers, $50.00. Acting lovingly toward your spouse: Priceless (and free!). When Valentine’s Day rolls around, make it an opportunity to show your love, not a day to judge your erotic feelings.

If you are ready to leave the myths behind and discover the relationship of your dreams, click on the banner below…

Will Valentine’s Day Ruin Your Marriage?

I want to wish you a happy and loving Valentines Day with todays article. Make this day a day to remember for yourself and your loved ones. A day to honour the love inside us by showing eachother how much we care.

With Love

Ah, February! Our minds start turning to thoughts of Valentine’s Day.In the middle of winter, romance is suddenly in vogue. The stores are filled with cards, candy, jewelry, and any number of other products touting the opportunity to show your love how you feel.

Are we being set up? Have we bought into the idea of romance so much that we are literally destroying our relationships with expectations? I think we are. In fact, I think we have made a false idol of romance at the expense of true love. We have confused infatuation and erotic love with deep, abiding love that leads to successful marriages.

Let me be clear. I have nothing against romance and romantic gestures. But we have made this the lead, not the result of love. We want to be awash in loving feelings and attraction for our partner. Then we expect those feelings to be the cement, the glue that keeps us together. Hogwash!

I just checked my email. In the last month, I have received 104 pleas for help from people hearing this statement from their spouse, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” The translation is this: “I have a feeling of care for you, but I don’t feel erotic emotions toward you.” The problem is that this statement is a lie on the front end (“I love you”) and a misunderstanding on the back end (“but I’m not in love with you”).

The lie, I’ll get to in a moment. The misunderstanding is this: being “in love” with someone is based on the nurturing of a relationship. It is not some emotion that is at the whims of Cupid shooting an arrow. Too often I hear, “I can’t help how I feel.” True, but people can choose how they act. And that is really the crux of the matter.

Love has been confused in our culture. The ancient Greeks were much more clear. They used three words to talk about love: Eros, Phileo, and Agape. Eros was about attraction (erotic love). Phileo was about friendship. And Agape was about commitment. Our society has segregated these three areas. Interestingly, we all want commitment and acceptance from our lover/spouse (Agape love), but too often want to feel attraction (Eros love) toward our spouse.

In other words, we want that attractive, successful, romantic, loving person to accept us, mistakes, shortcomings, failures, and all. We want what we have a hard time offering.

So what is the lie? Love is a commitment. It is an action verb, based on being loving and doing loving actions toward the other person. It is based on making a choice to love the other. Not for a moment, but for a lifetime.

Brain scans show that people who are “in love” (caught up in the infatuation) have very similar patterns to those who are mentally ill. So being “madly in love” is not just a figure of speech. It is a physical reality.

The problem is that this is unsustainable. The love of infatuation has to temper into a choice to being loving toward another person. I love someone because I choose to act lovingly, not because of the constance of a feeling. That moves the whole possibility from being at the whims of Cupid to having a conscious choice over how I participate in a relationship.

Let me be clear here: I am not opposed to visits of Eros. In fact, I think this is a feeling that is important and necessary in a long-term marriage. But I believe the emotion emerges from acting in loving ways. In other words, when I make romance primary, I am lost when it is gone. When I make love a verb, and action I can choose, the romantic feelings will naturally emerge.

Valentine’s Day is a threat to your relationship when you make the romantic feelings the goal. To paraphrase a commercial: card, $3.50; candy, $20.00; flowers, $50.00. Acting lovingly toward your spouse: Priceless (and free!). When Valentine’s Day rolls around, make it an opportunity to show your love, not a day to judge your erotic feelings.

If you are ready to leave the myths behind and discover the relationship of your dreams, click on the banner below…